Part Two

“The Sun grew dark and the Moon didn’t shine.”

I didn’t get answers. But I got peace.

Previously…

I shared the story of my family’s journey through suffering—the healing I experienced as a child that brought my family to Christ, and the painful reality that my mother, despite our prayers, was never completely healed. I talked about how watching her suffer slowly pushed my father away from his faith, leaving us with a question none of us could answer: Why did God heal me, but not her?

Yet, in the midst of that unanswered question, I began to see something else. My mother may not have been healed, but I witnessed moments of protection and grace that made me believe God had not abandoned her. I realized that God’s silence does not necessarily mean His absence, and that He may act in ways we don't immediately understand.

Then I turned the story toward myself. I shared my own struggles—my failures in education, the pain of losing someone I loved, my anger toward God, and moments when I almost walked away from faith altogether. I still didn't receive all the answers I wanted. But somehow, looking back at the ways I had experienced God's mercy gave me peace.

I didn't get answers. But I got peace.

And that brings us to where we left off…

Well, let’s start it again. I know how much pain I am feeling right now because I’m going to write something that would take high energy if I were to tell this story verbally. High energy on what? Well, simply to resist my tears. I talked about my mother, my father and myself. Whenever people come up with harsh arrows “God, if you exist, then get lost!” against God, I can assure you that I can understand the aggression fully. Why? Because, I did that often by myself.

What makes you feel when your desires do not get fulfil and vanishes like a dream? How would you feel when you have to lose your loved ones? Perhaps, you would get mad at yourself, losing your wholesome being! You get the desire not to live! “Oh God! Please, take my life today! I just…I just don’t want to live! Sorry to say that my Lord, but it’s enough! It’s just enough! I better destroy myself than face the trouble I’m facing!” These kinds of volcanic eruption are so common when we see our failures, emptiness, loneliness and brokenness. Isn’t this a suffering? Don’t we think God doesn’t care about us? He seems so selfish, right? Yes, I said so to him during my anxious prayer during sleepless nights! “You just care about your own glory! You don’t care us! Who we are that you need to care us? Right God?” I shouted at God with tears, crying in mid-night. Remembering those painful past moments that left trauma in me. No, I didn’t pray for healing. Instead, I often cursed myself the way Job and even other prophets did in anxiety!

I just lost the one whom I loved so much. She is now far from me. She is obviously a Christian but she stopped coming to the church. I always regarded her as my first Love. Perhaps, love at first sight? Whatever! My first day at Sunday school when I was in grade 4, my eyes caught her! With no reason, I fell in love with her. She was so sweet and lovely. I used to talk with her more in class and as time passed, it was 2070 BS (Grade 10), I asked her cell number and facebook ID. Unfortunately, we didn’t have advanced camera smart phones or digital platforms back in our time. Even if we had, we didn’t have culture of taking photos! We usually started facebook. I used to call her and talk for a long time! I used to chat with her in facebook. I always wanted her to be mine. I always felt so lucky to have her. Her name was enough sweet like honey for me!

Everything was going good until I fell into a serious temptation. I don’t want to share this anyway. Without any specific reason, suddenly one day, I texted her and I said I wanna be far away from her. She got confused and furious. Then, our good friendship slowly started turning cold. We had fights a lot of time! I even removed her as friend and blocked her many times. We aren’t friends till now in social medias. I spoiled a good going friendship.

However, I was not a dumb person. I always tried proposing her and grabbing the opportunity to express my love to her. I did that in many ways, even saying, “I love you” three times. Meanwhile, her response was weird to me. “You will get a better girl than me.” I was indeed in a mission to make her my own and that was a sad thing for me. Despite all sorts of troubles I gave her, I finally decided to confess her my love seriously. However, I did not know that, it would be rather a tragedy for me! I usually wrote, “I miss you” to her in messenger. Unfortunately, she was in a relationship! This tore me apart! She messaged me with positive vibe that her boyfriend felt it bad. She also said sorry from her side. I was perhaps in my bachelors 1st year or maybe 2nd, I don’t remember everything. What I remember is that I was doing my college works. I had no separate room then. My father was with me. When I read that message, it was late evening time. I saw the words “Yeah, its good. Kevin, I’m in relationship and I have shared my fb pw with him. Whenever he read the message that you missed me, and he read it, we had long arguments/discussion. I just wanted to say that yes, we are good friends and we will always be. But plz don’t message me I miss you otherwise he will feel bad. And perhaps, you will also feel bad by reading this. I’m sorry.” The very moment I read this, I happened to feel something up and down within myself. My eyes started being heavy and I quickly ran to the terrace and…how do you feel when you have vomiting? Yeah, same way, tons of tears flooded away from my eyes! I thought I was playing in a movie! I was broken! The Sun set for me and the Moon stopped shining, the air stopped moving! I could feel that pain, that wound when you couldn’t get the one whom you truly loved!

I cried a lot, with a full pain of losing someone whom I wanted so much in my life. The very next day, she messaged me in the viber. I was literally crying and wiping my eyes while I was chatting with her. She simply said, ‘I am sorry for everything. I knew you loved me, but to me, you are just a good friend. I am really sorry for the pain you went through, but now you have to be strong and move on friend’. I cried so much when I read her messages. It was a heavy loss for me indeed. Then after some days, I felt an emptiness in my heart. Her name stopped reverberating. I sought her everywhere inside my heart. She wasn’t there. She already left. She was gone forever. She vanished forever from my life. I wish I could have done suicide at that moment! It hurts to lose someone you really love! All that emotions for her had gone away. I felt a kind of huge explosion that collapsed all my inner emotions and feelings reserved for her. I was totally empty. The Sun grew dark and the Moon didn’t shine. The stars fell from their positions. Only a song can make me remember her and I no longer listen to it. Even in my bachelors days, I used to weep a lot remembering her. I cried in front my friends in a bus! I was asked to tell my love story and I dared to share it after a friend shared his. But, I just … I just cried a lot. My playlist were full of sad songs! That was it, a painful end to my unfulfilled dreams. Do you think I was okay with God? No, I quarreled with him so many times. Some pain doesn’t heal but perhaps It has to teach us a lot about love.

Next, during my bachelors time, I fell in love with another girl. This time she wasn’t a Christian. We were good friends and I tried my best to be a good company for her. I also confessed her my love. Yet, she tried to confront me that we are just good friends. Unfortunately, she was also loved by others at the same college! It was a bad nightmare to me! However, I thank to Lord that he gave me some friends who suggested me that she should not be my weakness. She wasn’t even a Christian! Sadly, I had to abandon her. But, I introduced her my Lord and Savior Jesus so that she might believe in him someday. I said to myself, “I failed to achieve her in my life, but I don’t want her soul being destroyed.” When we were at end of our college session and we were working in a building project, she shared me something that broke me a lot. She was already in a relationship with a muslim guy! But she was feeling it awkward to share. She dared to share with me. It was okay to me because I already knew about Islam. That time, no tears came form my eyes. She even brought her boyfriend to meet with me! He was a nice guy indeed! He was happy to meet me as she often talked about me with him. Even he said in messenger chat that we guys should often meet. You are so nice person. How much it feels pain to see the person whom I loved brings her boy friend to have a meet-up? That day, she went with him and I walked my way… It was such a painful moment. I loved her so much, but I couldn’t make her mine. I sacrificed my own life for her and lastly I was left alone. Yes, we are still friends and we talk sometimes. And she also gets happy when she talks with me. That’s all. That was all left with me. To your wonder, I have still all screen shots of these memories. No lies, no excuses. I kept it. Some says it is not good to keep memories but for me, it is comforting that my past shows me where I was, how I used to be and now I can see myself. I could see God wasn’t cruel at me. He was just not letting me to be in that lane because he had greater plans for me. He just let me walk that painful path. And I know the pain of seeing a girl whom I loved is holding hand of other guy. I know the pain of letting loved ones go away from life knowing fully it will leave us wounds that cannot heal throughout life! I know the pain when we have to make hard choices that goes against our own will and dreams. I know how much I suffered for her, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, headaches and stress. You know what? Everyone suggests, “You should move on!” To me, this is a myth. Nobody can move on the way they wish. You only have choice how to use your pain and wounds to shape your life ahead. That’s what I learned. She was a non-Christian, I had to let her go. A cost of being a Christian!

Now, the final and the most painful moment. Perhaps the most shattering one! I cannot face her till now. I already avoided talking with her. A song “kina yasari bina artha le maya maareu…” has one touchy line: “Chaheko paauna gaaro chha, paaeko gumaunu chha…” I faced this in my life. This was a post-bachelor period, when I began participating actively at church and basically in Youth fellowship core team. You know what? I know the pain of seeing marriage of someone whom we love. It wasn’t a movie or a drama. But something I couldn’t explain myself. Those goosebumps rising through the body, the unusual vibration running throughout the body, when getting near to the church stage to see her. Tears came out of my eyes. I saw her in white dress or gown getting married to someone else.

I don’t know what to say or how to explain. She was a bit older than me by few years. She was indeed nice and beautiful person. I had no guts to confess my love to her. You know what? I wrote even a long message to send her confessing my love for her and yet it was something never shared with her. I tried verbally, yet she even refused to listen. We both used to engage in youth fellowship and often in Sunday school. I used to feel happy in talking with her. Because of my love for her, I couldn’t call her even ‘sister’. We used to have some arguments because of this. But it was a worth moment when I used to be with her. I just prayed God, if he wills then make her mine otherwise let me hear news of her wedding as soon as possible. And… Suddenly, one day… I heard about her engagement. This gave me again next earthquake! And attending her marriage was even for terrible moment for me! Many of my friends knew about me that I liked her except herself. And I said to myself, now that’s fine. Maybe she wasn’t a good option for me. However, inside, I was burning with anger. I was angry at God! I cannot even explain it. I did those painful “Why” questions to God. Later, I began to realize that maybe God brought her and my feelings for her temporarily as a hook so that I could be changed. I changed myself in many ways only after I started being close with her. She was a kind of hook in my life. But the pain of losing her gave me trauma. Even today, I cannot face her, even her name haunts me. I don’t talk with her directly. I didn’t want my mind blowing away again. No risk at all. Finally, I abandoned the desire to have a girl and getting ready for marriage. Today, I have no such desire of getting marriage. Those all sorts of sufferings were enough for me.

Let me share some songs to show you how terrible I have felt when I went through those moments:

(i) Samhalincha kahile man…kahile tyasai atalidinchha
(ii) Guras ko fed muni samjhana ko chhaya..
(iii) Kina yasari bina artha le maya laayeu
(iv) Bepana pyaar hai aajaa…
(v) Jadu hai nashi hai..
(vi) Timi laai ma bhulna sakdina…
(vii) Dukha ma ta jharcha aashu, sukha ma ni jharirahane…

“Why God, if he exists, lets terrible things to happen to people?” is not just a question from non-Christians. It is a question even from Christians! This is my point. People think we are blindly following God. Not true. We do feel same pain that people here feel. We do ask same questions that they ask! We do often go far away from God the same way people think they should go. How would a father feel when a mother doesn’t get healed? How would a person feel when he loses his loved ones leaving him empty up to end? Maybe God has some plans? Maybe he is up to something? Maybe God didn’t want it to happen in our life? Maybe God was preparing us for something? Maybe our prayers lacked? The assumptions can just go on adding. But no real answer that can satisfy our heart!

Regardless of whatever we face, God knows our situation and he feels bad for us too. I often think of Jesus himself. He knows what betrayal means. He knows what loneliness means. He knows what rejection means. He knows what not being loved means. Nobody was with him during his trial, everyone shouted “crucify him! Crucify him!” Peter denied him three times willingly! He got broken! Judas betrayed him for money and he hanged himself! People who followed him for food, ran far away from him after listening to his teachings. Doesn’t Jesus know the pain? He cried in Lazarus’ death! He trembled when his time of being crucified was near. His own soul was suffocating! He felt pity on oppressed people and he cried for unrepentant sinners! He saw that he was so lonely at the horrible end at the cross! The same God who created humanity for a good relationship, now faced a terrible loneliness himself. What’s more? He had to face the distance from his heavenly Father! Isaiah talks about him as a ‘suffering servant’. Perhaps, we sing a song saying Jesus is my best friend. He is indeed a friend who can truly feel us, comfort us and redeem us!

Only such a God can comfort us who knows our pain and doesn’t give up upon us.

We might have many unanswered questions coming out from pain in this present time. That’s okay! Even prophets had that moment. The only fascinating thing is that God didn’t let humanity suffer alone. He came down to take part in that suffering. Yet, he came down to become our hope, our rescue, our peace and true love. Our pain might not have answers and so does the chaotic environment of this world. We cannot dare to satisfy people about rape, murder, dacoit, massacre, war, injustice and all sorts of evil. We can simply do is explaining that we all humanity undergo this suffering. All has their own pain and wounds. They long for justice and yet they don’t get it fully. Only such a God can comfort us who knows our pain and doesn’t give up upon us. Yes, we cannot simply know his ways of justice and timing of actions. He simply wants us to trust him even in times of grief, even when we walk along the valley of death. He promises us the peace, and wiping away our tears.

But if people demand God’s immediate justice and question his judgment, Old Testament is enough to show what he can do! He would be terrible! Look at the terrible flood in Genesis 6! And if He judges, nobody can stand a chance. One way or the other, everyone stands guilty before him. If he judges instantly, then none of us would escape! The Bible presents the greatest offence is the offence against a Holy God! An individual might be pointing to something, says it is terrible, and must be punished. However, he might be guilty of something else in his own life! That is the Biblical harsh picture of humanity! There is a movie called ‘Aparichit’ where a lawyer, in attempting to get justice for the daughter he had to lost, he went on putting guilt to everyone. This court scene shows how terrible humanity really is! Nobody shall stand a chance! And as Rabi Maharaj mentions in his book ‘Death of a Guru’, we need a real transformation of our heart if we want a real change. Yes, evil works demands justice but everyone of us is guilty before God! Hence, he extends his mercy!

What’s more? Even if God judges instantly, people would say He is a monster! And if he doesn’t seem to take actions, they will again call him cruel God! Either ways, humanity aren’t satisfied with God! This is what happened in the Garden of Eden! Humanity ought to be satisfied with God but everything got ruined! No matter what, human heart stays rebellious and always opposing God. They don’t want him to interfere their life. They want their own desires, own rules and own way of living. God therefore leaves them in their own desires. The Bible is clear: God doesn’t feel good in destruction and suffering of his people.

I know I am not trying to answer the hard question because if we are not able to satisfy ourselves, we cannot satisfy people out there in the world. I simply started with my own pain, trying to point out that I do have same question indeed and yet I see God’ grace being manifested over time and again in life even though I am not privileged with all answers to pain and suffering. I am just convinced that God doesn’t stay silent, he doesn’t give up upon humanity and he isn’t happy with whatever terrible thing is going on with this world.

May God help and comfort all the victims and may his justice outpour at right time. Amen!

A quick reflection

In Part 1, I essentially said:

“I have suffered, and I don't have answers.”

Now in Part 2, I’m saying:

“Here is what that suffering actually looked like in my own life—and here is why, despite all of it, I still cannot conclude that God abandoned me.”

Acknowledgement

I would like to give my thanks to two people, who are my sisters from my church. I got inspiration to write this blog from them. One, who was once my student, now serves as a teacher in Sunday class and has genuine quest on biblical queries while the other is currently living in Canada and often creates reels. Both are Bible enthusiast. My usual interaction with them inspired me to lay down this topic. I would like to thank them and encourage them to engage more in Biblical exploration if they are reading it.

Bible References for Further Reflection

For readers who would like to explore the biblical passages behind some of the thoughts expressed in this article:

Jesus understands suffering / betrayal / rejection

Hebrews 4:15
Hebrews 2:17–18
Isaiah 53:3–5

Jesus' betrayal and abandonment

Matthew 26:47–50 — Judas betrays Jesus
Matthew 26:56 — the disciples flee
Matthew 26:69–75 — Peter denies Jesus three times
Mark 14:43–50, 66–72
Luke 22:47–48, 54–62
John 18:2–9, 15–18, 25–27

“Crucify him!”

Matthew 27:20–26
Mark 15:11–15
Luke 23:18–25
John 19:6–16

People who followed Jesus abandoning him

John 6:60–66

Jesus wept / felt grief

John 11:33–35 — Jesus weeps at Lazarus' death
Luke 19:41–44 — Jesus weeps over Jerusalem

Jesus' agony before crucifixion

Matthew 26:36–46
Mark 14:32–42
Luke 22:39–46
John 12:27

Especially:

Matthew 26:38 — “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow…”
Mark 14:34 — “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow…”

Jesus' compassion for suffering people

Matthew 9:36
Matthew 14:14
Matthew 15:32
Mark 6:34
Luke 7:11–13

Jesus crying over unrepentant Jerusalem

Luke 19:41–44
Matthew 23:37–39

Jesus' loneliness/abandonment at the cross

Matthew 27:46
Mark 15:34
Psalm 22:1

Jesus' cry of abandonment

Matthew 27:46
Mark 15:34
Psalm 22:1

Isaiah's “suffering servant”

Isaiah 52:13–53:12
Particularly Isaiah 53:3–5, 10–12

Jesus as one who understands and sympathizes with us

Hebrews 4:15–16
Hebrews 2:17–18

God coming down / taking part in human suffering

John 1:14
Philippians 2:5–8
Hebrews 2:14–18

God as hope, peace, rescue

Psalm 46:1
Psalm 34:18
Psalm 147:3
John 14:27
Romans 15:13
2 Corinthians 1:3–5
1 Peter 5:7

Walking through the valley of death

Psalm 23:4

God wiping away tears

Revelation 21:4
Revelation 7:17
Isaiah 25:8

Prophets questioning God / expressing anguish

Job 3:1–26
Jeremiah 20:7–18
Habakkuk 1:2–4
Psalm 13:1–6
Psalm 22:1–2

Humanity's rebellion / Eden

Genesis 3:1–24
Romans 1:18–32

God “giving them over” to their desires

Romans 1:24
Romans 1:26
Romans 1:28

God does not delight in destruction/death

Ezekiel 18:23
Ezekiel 18:32
Ezekiel 33:11
Lamentations 3:31–33
2 Peter 3:9

God's justice and His timing

Deuteronomy 32:35
Romans 12:19
Ecclesiastes 3:17
Habakkuk 2:3
2 Peter 3:8–9

God cares about human suffering

Exodus 3:7–8
Psalm 34:18
Psalm 56:8
Isaiah 63:9
1 Peter 5:7

...despite all of it, I still cannot conclude that God abandoned me.