…and we don't have answers
"We don't have answers. We really don't have."
As an author of this blog, I was diagnosed with heart issue when I was a child. Because of me, three family members came to Christ. God’s grace was poured into my life and my heart problem was annihilated forever. My father was personally thankful to God for my new life. He made his personal decision to leave Hinduism and receive Christian way of life. My mother too received Christ. We just left our religion of old tradition.
However, it wasn’t a movie that we often watch- a movie of happy ending and it ends forever. It just wasn’t. Before my birth, my mother was diagnosed with terrible and weird disease. My family members didn’t know about it until one day one of my members saw her having seizures, body turning and twisting, having convulsions as if she was a demon possessed. She says she screamed so aloud in fear. She was indeed a medically trained person, a nurse. But she almost got no idea what was happening with my mother. And that was it, my family knew my mother wasn’t even fit and fine. As days passed, my family recognized she really had so many problems. Sometimes she behaved unconsciously the whole day. Often times, while having meal, she starts getting seizures and convulsions. In our local beliefs, it was often associated with powers of demonic oppression but from a scientific perspective it is indeed epileptic case, all credit goes to malfunctioning of the brain and nerves. To be honest, my mother continues to be such condition till now. She didn’t heal.
Sadly, my father who saw her, who had to take this pressure his whole life, started losing trust upon God. He always had this stress of my mother. He indeed has too many questions which has almost no definite answers. God healed his son (me) but why not his mother? We don’t have answers. We really don’t have. The Charismatic and Pentecostal circles might try offering answers but none of those fit and none of those can satisfy. As a result, my father began losing faith and growing rebellious. He decided to abandon his faith and turn away from Christ. To my Calvinistic and Reformed readers, don’t let Calvinistic mind appear in your mind. This issue is beyond that matter. So, please stop right there before you start throwing Bible verses (which I can better do as well). And just open your ears to the story I’m telling you.
Often times, my tears flow looking at my mother’s condition and the pressure my father holds. Yes, honestly I would confess that I don’t have any answers. I simply don’t have. My mother has gone through so many obstacles and critical situations that has really put my whole family into grief. This doesn’t mean we don’t pray. We do pray. However, this is not a biblical thought to assume that every prayer gets its answers. Sometimes, we don’t and we simply don’t know why God seems staying silence behind the curtain as if he is just seeing and not acting. Even our old religious tradition doesn’t teach this at all. There is obviously karma and fruit. When you turn the first several pages of the Bhagavad Gita, you can even see Krishna seeing Arjuna’s anxiety during a war and he (Krishna) is stepping forward to counsel him, to strengthen him. The Puranas are filled with so many stories about deities taking Avatars to interfere evil works. Yet, even in a Hindu world, there critics who come up with same question: “Now, tell me, where is your God? Has he done with his avatars and now just staying silence?” Yes, this is not just a problem for us as Christians but almost for every religions.
It is obvious that God doesn’t remain silence. He just doesn’t. But we cannot simply know how he acts. What is inside his mind. But when I saw my mother, I often realized that God wasn’t remaining silence, standing far away and watching us. I have observed many times that he was indeed saving my mother. And when I realized it, I got tears and simply I said “God, thank you so much.” One day, in night time, she just fell from stairs so violently as if I thought gas cylinder dropped from staircase. The sound was so terrible! When I rushed towards the passage, we saw it was my mother. She was filled with bloods! The terrible sound made us think that her bones should have broken. Just couple of months ago, while sleeping, she got the seizures and convulsions. As a result, her right hand didn’t react. There was issue with her bone. After her diagnosis, doctors gave us sad news that she has to remain without letting right hand active for almost in her whole life. This news was so terrible for me to hear! We thought, her life got destroyed forever. However, at home we paryed for her. Our church did pray for her. And, you know what? She works normally now! This was the story! Back to the previous scene, when she terribly fell from the staircase, I was thinking of her right hand. The blood was on the floor. Her face got swollen. That was the moment we got so much stressed. I thought her bones have broken. Surprisingly, she works as normal today! I saw God’s grace and protection in her life! Obviously, she isn’t healed but she was under God’s protection!
Just because one person can understand doesn’t mean everyone can! I can understand the situation. But my father and even our relatives, they cannot. My father has now almost abandoned his faith. He rebels against God saying he is of no use. God just knows how to hamper our life. He just knows how to bring suffering to our life. God is so much evil! Isn’t this very similar how people ask about suffering? God seems so evil, right? He doesn’t even care. However, I don’t think this is the case. Look, before you talk about all terrible things happening in this world, I have also talked my own testimony of how much pain I have gone through. I would say whole humanity goes through this. Yet, I claimed that I saw God’s mercy. He doesn’t seem to be evil but instead a loving father! But obviously, I have never claimed that I have all answers to God’s concern. I simply do not. I don’t know why he healed me but not my mother. I don’t know why he didn’t interfere in life of my father to sustain his faith the way he did with me. Now, that’s again a different story which I am not going to tell you right now! The only thing I know is that He isn’t passive, he doesn’t remain silence and watch us suffer. He surely acts but maybe not the way we expect! He is our gracious father who cares us as our earthly father cares us!
We are left with no obvious answers and I personally believe we cannot satisfy everyone in this matter. One of my family members said, “I simply don’t know what to say now. When we talk about healing in Jesus’ name, everyone now asks me about Kevin’s mother. Why wasn’t she healed yet? Now, I don’t have idea how to share the Gospel.” Yes, God doesn’t heal every wounds. People wants instant actions, not long waitings. This is perhaps the greatest obstacle they bring and they don’t want to hear from us about Jesus. “You couldn’t simply heal a person, how can you people assure us about healing to our pain then?” However, even Christians should know this: Jesus didn’t heal everyone. He simply didn’t. God doesn’t work the way we hope or expect. The question arises because that was mostly a way how Christianity spread in Nepal: through miracles. Yes, there are tons of testimonials about healing and yes, there are cases of people not healing either. We can just simply know that God promises us an everlasting life which we find in Jesus. He promises our tears shall be wiped one day. Even he doesn’t leave us with all sorts of answers and I think we shouldn’t try to satisfy peoples as well. We simply hand over this case to God.
In my personal life, I have also witnessed so many obstacles. I couldn’t complete my Bachelors degree on time. I couldn’t get the person whom I loved. These were sad moments for me when I spent lots of lonely times crying out in depression and curing myself as Job did! I could feel the pain of Job! Even I wasn’t the exception, I asked God too many questions! I got so furious and mad at him. Almost near to abandoning my own faith! Almost attempting to end my life! Suddenly, I happen to recall my past and all those moments where I could feel his mercy. That gave me peace. I didn’t get answers but I definitely got the peace and finally ended up with, whatever God, I just thank you.
That’s all. Because, if I flee from him, where shall I go then? Who shall hear my cries? Whom shall I hug in my times of difficulties? I often thought, if God didn’t exist, what hope we are left with? We cannot trust humanity! Whom to turn in times of despair? Who can help us and rescue us? Who can bring morning in our life? I just got into my knees, shading my tears. “Sorry lord, please hold me back!” Suddenly a Christian song “Yahweh mero gothalo…” comforted me. Even if I have to go through valleys of death, Lord says “I’m with you…forever…I shall never forsake you…” So many touchy Christian songs used to comfort me like bhajan 512.
Hooking to my previous mention of my bachelors degree struggle, after my +2, I got low grades unexpectedly and I had difficulties in admitting bachelors study. No financial strength. I was almost in trauma thinking I will end up my study journey here. At that time, God didn’t give up upon me but opened doors to survive. During bachelors, I experience what it means to fail. This was a disgrace to me because all my relatives knew how much I valued study and how much good I was. But my bachelors left me vulnerable, without any answers. “How could a person like Kevin fail?” Every lips had same question. I was so helpless, defenceless, in tears, in anxiety! Like I was alone and crowd around me shouting: “Why Kevin? How?” And I just simply can shout back, shutting my ears with both palms tightly: “Its enough! Just stop this all! Just stopppppppppp…” I then fall down on my knees and cry a lot. Those tears carried value! You know? I still have bad dreams, nightmares. I wake up suddenly at night, I take breathe. I weep and listen to sentimental songs. I know that pain, how much it hurts. I couldn’t find anyway to run except face it and fight back! Still, I have no answers to why God letting this all happen in my life. But I could definitely see his grace working throughout my life. Finally at end of academic year, the 8th year of final chance exam, I got successful result when I passed just one subject at my last chance! I was the person, who used to get worry even losing 1 marks and always chased for the best rank in my school days. God let me travel through real life challenges and taught me that the life isn’t same all the time. I became the person who knew what it feels to be the first person in class and what it feels to struggle even to pass one subject after tremendous failure.
Now I have so much to talk about my own suffering in my love life too. Maybe you have to wait a bit. I already wept a lot while I was writing it this morning, so much to share, so much to outpour! I suddenly happened to write it… Lastly, I need your patience.
…To be continued
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